The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I don’t think my car can fly
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.