Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
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FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?