Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mortimermaiden's best tweets

@mortimermaiden : [restaurant] Manager: You're fired. Me: Why?! Manager: You're a bad waiter. Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

@mortimermaiden: *signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I'm famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let's get that pea out of your ear.

@mortimermaiden: Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What's it mean?
Me: It means I can't remove it.

@mortimermaiden: The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@mortimermaiden: I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.

@mortimermaiden: Me: I'm gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@mortimermaiden: I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@mortimermaiden: Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@mortimermaiden: *breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.

@mortimermaiden: [trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.