@mortimermaiden: Me: I don't trust our mailman.
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
@mortimermaiden: Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
@mortimermaiden: Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can't believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
@mortimermaiden: Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There's no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who's been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
@mortimermaiden: [shopping for a house]
Me: It's nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
@mortimermaiden: [humane society]
Me: Hi, I'd like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That's not—
Me: Oops, I'm sorry. One "grande" dog please.
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
@mortimermaiden: Doctor: I'm afraid we've lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It's just a figure of speech, ma'am, he's right here in the morgue.