@mortimermaiden: [science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
@mortimermaiden: *stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
"It's empty!" some yell
"That was a stock photo" others say
@mortimermaiden: Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it's my first time
Me: Don't worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
@mortimermaiden: Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what's the square doggage?
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Manager: You're fired.
Manager: You're a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
@mortimermaiden: *signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I'm famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let's get that pea out of your ear.