Funny Tweeter

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Page of mortimermaiden's best tweets

@mortimermaiden : I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I'm half man, half jar.

@mortimermaiden: Me: I'm gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@mortimermaiden: I'm a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@mortimermaiden: Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@mortimermaiden: *breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.

@mortimermaiden: [trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.