Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
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My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.