If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
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Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
One of the best
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol