Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
You Might Also Like
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
oh shit
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The pasta is now