i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.