Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mrjohntofu's best tweets

@mrjohntofu : Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m. I don't make the rules.

@mrjohntofu: If you don't win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

@mrjohntofu: Its like grandma said,

You're not crazy when you sleep

@mrjohntofu: Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

- everyone

@mrjohntofu: Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

@mrjohntofu: I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

@mrjohntofu: Why even name your cat, it's not going to listen to you.

@mrjohntofu: I'm not sure why banks tie down pens that don't work.

@mrjohntofu: Called AA by mistake, those drunks can't change a tire for shit.

@mrjohntofu: People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.