Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
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[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Tough love is true love
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.