Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No