Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
If bad ads/pop-ups are redirecting you, please take a screenshot and email it to [email protected]. Help us keep the site clean!
@msdanifernandez : Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma'am, that's a crockpot.
@msdanifernandez: Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont
@msdanifernandez: [during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
@msdanifernandez: *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it*
@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
@msdanifernandez: him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
@msdanifernandez: No mom, I can't date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well...*whispers* he got Daredevil.
@msdanifernandez: [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
@msdanifernandez: DEFENSE! DEFENSE!
Defense: I have a boyfriend
@msdanifernandez: *conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.