Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of msdanifernandez's best tweets

@msdanifernandez : Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what-- Me: omg yes

@msdanifernandez: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

@msdanifernandez: Yes, how much for the baby jacuzzi?
Ma'am, that's a crockpot.

@msdanifernandez: Little Mermaid: I want to be where the people are
Me: trust me u dont

@msdanifernandez: [during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

@msdanifernandez: *on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn't try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

@msdanifernandez: him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere

@msdanifernandez: No mom, I can't date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well...*whispers* he got Daredevil.

@msdanifernandez: [dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend