[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
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Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
That’s enough internet for the day
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT