Funny Tweeter

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Page of mstern68's best tweets

@mstern68 : [Interview] Me: I really need the paycheck Him: This is an unpaid internship. Me: Do you provide snacks? Him: Um, yes Me: Keep going...

@mstern68: Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it's adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

@mstern68: Sorry I yelled "pull" when you released doves at your wedding.

@mstern68: If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

@mstern68: If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day

Her: I'm your wife

Like I said, if you were my gf

@mstern68: [Creation]

God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!

Angel: Maybe they'll evolve?

G: *throws a rock*

A: Sick shot!

G: Next time, apes

@mstern68: [after first date]

Him: I had a great time, I'd love to see you again

Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people

@mstern68: Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

@mstern68: Don't worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

@mstern68: Please don't be curly
Please don't be curly
Please don't be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food