My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
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I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
just gave your address to some spiders
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue