Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”