*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
This did not end as expected.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.