I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
my mom making me talk to relatives
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.