Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
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I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied