[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
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Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.