Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
me refusing to leave twitter
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.