My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
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My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.