Funny Tweeter

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Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : [trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what's your 12th favourite juice?

@murrman5: me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they're all vets?
me shaking head no: they're all animals

@murrman5: [me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip

@murrman5: "did you ever get married?"
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@murrman5: [to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don't they
"no"
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@murrman5: [showing date a picture] that's me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that's us after his accident

@murrman5: me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

@murrman5: you're upset I bought a waterbed aren't you
"yes take it back"
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
"finally"

@murrman5: lower my casket into the ground and play "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.