Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of murrman5's best tweets

@murrman5 : "did you ever get married?" [wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@murrman5: [to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don't they
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

@murrman5: [showing date a picture] that's me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that's us after his accident

@murrman5: me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

@murrman5: you're upset I bought a waterbed aren't you
"yes take it back"
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@murrman5: [the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*

@murrman5: lower my casket into the ground and play "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@murrman5: [ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don't try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

@murrman5: I'm off to the store
got your wallet?
you sure?
*hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

@murrman5: [consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read