The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.