Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
You Might Also Like
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.