Eggs benadryl my favourite
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Well well well…
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]