That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.