If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”