A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
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[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Cat is stressing him out.