*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
You Might Also Like
real
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle