Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mydmac's best tweets

@mydmac : *uneasily answers phone 'Guess who?' David? 'No' John? 'No' Mike? 'No' Steve? 'No, I made you very happy the other night' Haagen Daz? 'NO' Pizza Hut?

@mydmac: Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@mydmac: No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

@mydmac: Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I'm so sorry.

@mydmac: *Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

@mydmac: I donate blood once a month. It's not mine but I know I'm making a real difference.

@mydmac: I can't wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@mydmac: *puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@mydmac: *goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@mydmac: I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he'll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.