Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mydmac's best tweets

@mydmac : I can't wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@mydmac: *puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good

@mydmac: *goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@mydmac: I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he'll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

@mydmac: Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

@mydmac: I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

@mydmac: A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

@mydmac: Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100's of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

@mydmac: Can I get a piña colada please.

'This is Starbucks'

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

@mydmac: I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It's only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.