Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of mydmac's best tweets

@mydmac : Boss: You can't or you won't do it? Me: Yes

@mydmac: When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

@mydmac: *uneasily answers phone

'Guess who?'

David?

'No'

John?

'No'

Mike?

'No'

Steve?

'No, I made you very happy the other night'

Haagen Daz?

'NO'

Pizza Hut?

@mydmac: Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

@mydmac: No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

@mydmac: Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I'm so sorry.

@mydmac: *Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

@mydmac: I donate blood once a month. It's not mine but I know I'm making a real difference.

@mydmac: I can't wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

@mydmac: *puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good