I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds