Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
The struggle is real
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist