@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.
@myonlymizztake: Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
@myonlymizztake: My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.
@myonlymizztake: *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there's anything good in there*
@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
@myonlymizztake: I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
@myonlymizztake: Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.
@myonlymizztake: Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.