Funny Tweeter

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Page of myonlymizztake's best tweets

@myonlymizztake : I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

@myonlymizztake: I love carbs so much, I'd let them look through my phone.

@myonlymizztake: Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

- me as a marriage counselor

@myonlymizztake: Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

@myonlymizztake: Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@myonlymizztake: [Bending down with my hands on my knees]

"Where is your mother?"

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@myonlymizztake: Don't you hate it when you're planning someone's funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

@myonlymizztake: One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@myonlymizztake: They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.