Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of myonlymizztake's best tweets

@myonlymizztake : Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

@myonlymizztake: [Bending down with my hands on my knees]

"Where is your mother?"

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

@myonlymizztake: Don't you hate it when you're planning someone's funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

@myonlymizztake: One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

@myonlymizztake: They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.

@myonlymizztake: T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I'm literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don't be so dramatic...

@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.

@myonlymizztake: Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@myonlymizztake: My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.