Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of myonlymizztake's best tweets

@myonlymizztake : Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.

@myonlymizztake: T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I'm literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don't be so dramatic...

@myonlymizztake: Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can't wait.

@myonlymizztake: Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

@myonlymizztake: My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@myonlymizztake: *Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there's anything good in there*

@myonlymizztake: Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

@myonlymizztake: I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

@myonlymizztake: Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@myonlymizztake: I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn't eat that cookie? That's -150 calories.