@myonlymizztake: Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
- me as a marriage counselor
@myonlymizztake: Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
@myonlymizztake: Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
@myonlymizztake: [Bending down with my hands on my knees]
"Where is your mother?"
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
@myonlymizztake: Don't you hate it when you're planning someone's funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
@myonlymizztake: One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
@myonlymizztake: They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
@myonlymizztake: Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can't figure out where they hide the bodies.