genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Challenge accepted.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”