I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
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Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?