2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.