Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home