Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
You Might Also Like
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch