It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia