Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
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wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
my sentiments exactly
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Miscakes
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.