inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
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Very good news from my accountant
monday
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else