Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.