Me sliding into hell like
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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.