Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Batman v Dracula
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing