her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
You Might Also Like
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings