Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
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To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Shoo shoo! 😂
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”