My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
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technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge