First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
they really do be looking like this
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Well, this explains it:
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”