I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.