People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!