Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
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Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”