Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
*praying for world peace*
God:
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.